Anger has a physiological response of increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, and increase in adrenaline. The fight-or-flight response people get when they are angry or encounter it in others is accompanied by adrenaline, which prepares your body to move. This is a reason why people can become so aggressive and lose control of managing their anger.
Try to figure out if one of these negative emotions is the real reason your boss keeps getting angry. Understanding their anger may help you have more patience and a lowered stress level (i. e. , if you figure out that isn’t because your projects are always late or low quality).
There are three ways that most people deal with anger: to express it, to suppress it, and to calm it. When you do choose to express anger, it should be in a controlled, assertive way that clearly communicates your feelings without hurting anyone. People with anger management issues often forget that they can also choose to suppress or calm their anger instead of express it.
Try to measure your boss’s level of anger. Is it closer to a high level of anger or a low level of anger? If the anger’s high, try to leave the area since you won’t be able to reasonably speak with them. [5] X Expert Source Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MACLicensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.
Ask questions to get to the root of the reason. Listen closely to what your boss is saying. If they are using sarcasm, what is it they are being sarcastic about?
If you are at fault, apologize for what you have done. Encourage others who might genuinely have caused problems to do the same.
This is not the same thing as the “turtle” response to anger, which is when you shut down and avoid anger in an unhealthy way. It is important that you become emotionally distant out of a desire to calm down someone who is becoming aggressive, instead of out of fear.
Pause before responding quietly. This allows you to slow the situation down so he can cool off. Don’t raise your voice or respond in like kind. Do the opposite. If your boss is screaming, talk in a low voice. If your boss is ignoring you, keep talking to them like they aren’t. Don’t make excuses for your actions if they have contributed to your boss’s upset. Owning what you have done can sap the strength from an anger storm, whereas getting defensive can fuel it. [6] X Research source
Body language can also diffuse a situation. Maintain non-threatening poses, like doing the opposite of a defensive stance such as wide gestures and keeping your arms uncrossed. [8] X Research source Wide gestures and open arms also demonstrate that you are not trying to threaten anyone, making you a calming influence in an angry moment.
Humility and empathy show that you are willing to learn and make up for your mistakes, which may be all your boss is looking for. To stay humble, you could say, “I’m sorry–I totally didn’t see that mistake! I’ll go fix it right away. " And to stay empathetic, you could say, “I can understand that. " Make sure to keep irritation and other negative emotions out of your tone of voice.
Studies find that thinking about the reason we are angry can increase our feelings of anger, while not thinking about them can decrease those feelings. [10] X Research source If your boss appears to be thinking about the reason they are angry, change the subject.
Turtle: turning inward and being emotionally distant until the anger passes Cornered Rat: you push back in irritation by yelling and nagging Ostrich: in complete denial that anger is present Chicken: run away as fast as you can
Such a mature response can diffuse an anger situation with your boss. This regulation of your anger can inspire your boss to do the same. Instead of reacting without thinking, take a moment (count to 10 and take a deep breath), and consider what your response will do to your boss. Consider what factors contributed to their anger and address them in your response. Think about why their anger is specifically directed at you and not another worker. If your boss speaks harshly about a mistake you made, for example, you could explain your actions in a calm voice and an apologetic manner instead of defending yourself in the same tone of voice as your boss.
Don’t take your boss’s anger personally. Recognize your negative self-talk and consider what actually happened. Ask yourself questions like, what did I actually do to contribute to this problem?[11] X Research source
A trusted friend or counselor in your private life can let you vent your emotions and then give you perspective on how to handle the anger problems of your boss. If your boss is being unreasonable and causing you an inordinate amount of stress no matter what you do to manage it on your own, these people that you confide in may be able to tell you that they see this happening. Gaining perspective on this may help you know if you should look for a different job. Make sure that whoever you tell will not tell anyone else. You may need to refrain from using real names so that they are unable to share details on what you say. Even if you do, know that your secret may not be kept.
L = Listen to your angry boss rather than arguing with them. When they ask you to respond, reflect back to them what they have said, making sure there is no sarcasm in your tone of voice. I = “I” statements are useful to keep from further antagonizing an angry boss, instead of “you” statements. “You” statements feel accusatory, making tensions rise rather than fall. Refrain from blaming, criticizing, and judging. A “you” statement might sound like, “You made me feel angry,” but the “I” statement counterpart for this might sound like, “I felt angry because of the situation. " F = Freedom to express themselves is important. Give your boss the green light to vent and do not try to give advice unless they directly ask for it. E = Everyone is a winner is an attitude that can help get your boss out of an angry rant and back into a calm mindset. Maintain this attitude, which encourages giving others the benefit of the doubt.
In some cases, it is better to ignore a level of unpleasantness unless it is directed to a specific person. Unfortunately, many bosses run departments through intimidation, rather than leadership. Other signs of passive-aggressive behavior include general sarcasm, being secretive, setting up employees for failure, spreading rumors, pretending not to hear employees, and being distant and unengaged. One strategy for dealing with passive-aggressive anger is to put yourself in their shoes and imagine why they might be angry. Ask other co-workers to find out if they have been getting the same passive-aggressive treatment, such as the cold shoulder. You might find that they are just overwhelmed, in which case you could offer to take some work off their plate.
Instead of rolling your eyes and muttering about how irritating your boss’s short fuse is, say to yourself, “It’s so sad that he is always upset. What can I (or “we” if you’re on a work team) do to help him?”
Relaxation and stress-relief activities can also keep your own anger at bay. You can also try relaxing breathing techniques and imagery methods to change your focus from being on negative things to being on positive things.
