If that isn’t possibly, however, remember to breathe while you’re having the argument. It can be tempting to get out your words as quickly and as loudly as possible, but the more time you take to say what you need to say, the more calmly you come across. Keep your body language open and not defensive. You can use your body to trick your brain into being easier. Don’t cross your arms across your chest; keep them loose at your sides or use them to help make your point. Don’t raise your voice. Work to keep your voice even. If you are a crier when you’re upset or angry, work on your breathing. Breathe in for a certain number of counts (like 4) and then breathe out for an extra 2 counts (like 6). This will help keep you calmer.
Getting in one last jab can actually be quite damaging, if you have a relationship with the person you’re arguing with (and even if not, people talk and it might do you more harm in the long run). If the argument has gotten to a finished point, both sides have discussed their views and there’s nothing more to say, just let it go.
You can do this with your partner, your boss, a friend, etc. When an issue comes up that causes friction between the two of you, ask them for some space and time to think it over. Then set a specific time to address the problem. For example: you and your partner get into an argument about whose turn it is to do the dishes, which subsequently leads to you accusing your partner of not doing an equal share of housework (a common problem). Say to them “Hey, I think this is something we really need to discuss, but I’d like a little time to cool down and talk about it calmly. Can we get back to this tomorrow after work?” Then, you take that time to put down your reasons for feeling the way you do, give some specific examples, and provide a possible solution. This can also be a good time to decide whether the argument is actually worth having. Sometimes things that blow up in the moment, turn out to be really nothing when you get a chance to step back and see it clearly.
For example: you and your boss get into an argument about your boss’s treatment of you (you feel like he’s bullying you and saying incredibly hurtful things). He maintains that your attitude has been the problem. Now, think back. Maybe your attitude has made things worse (instead of confronting him immediately about his behavior, you took a more passive aggressive route). Admitting your own culpability will take the wind of his sails, because you will be acknowledging your part in the problem, while still explaining how your behavior was linked to and triggered by his. Examine your knee-jerk reaction (this is why having a time out to think things over is so useful). What you may immediately believe might not be true (for example if someone offers up evidence or argument that challenges your worldview). Try to do some research with reputable sources before you start shouting loudly about how right you are. There will be a few times in your life where you will enter into a conversation with someone who is dead wrong (usually when it comes to things like discussions on racism, or sexism, etc. ). You won’t win this argument, because the other person will almost never be able to let go of their view of the world (i. e. that racism or sexism don’t exist). Don’t engage this person.
Before you get into the argument remind yourself why you care about this person and about the relationship you have with them (it could be as simple as “they are my boss and I’m going to need their good will some day” to “this is my daughter who I care about very much and am concerned about some of the decisions she’s been making lately. “) This doesn’t mean that you need to be condescending. Never say things like “I’m only saying this for your own good” or “I’m only trying to make you a better person. " You are going to completely shut down the other person.
Try to avoid having an argument in a crowded place where you both will be easily distracted. Don’t have this sort of discussion when you’re going to be interrupted by phone calls and text alerts (best to turn your phone off or put it on silent). Name what is happening to you. This means that when your heart starts to race and your palms get all sweaty you name what is happening (you’re anxious because you’re afraid this argument will cause your wife to leave you, etc. ).
The more specific the better: if you’re fighting with your boss, for example, offer up specific instances of the times when he bullied you and how that made you feel (tearing you down in front of other people, calling you names, things he’s said behind your back to other people, etc). This is why when something becomes an issue in a relationship (any relationship) you should document it, so that you can show that it’s a pattern rather than an isolated incident. If you’re arguing politics, or religion, etc. make sure you know what you’re talking about. You will need to bring specific facts to play and avoid logical fallacies (discussed below). Remember, particularly when it comes to these types of subjects, people find it very hard to stay calm and give a rational account of their views.
When the other person is making their points, make sure to look them in the eye and really listen to what they are saying. Don’t start formulating your next argument, until they’ve said what they need to say. If you find yourself distracted or unclear, ask clarifying questions so that you make sure you understand their point. This is why it’s a good idea to have an argument in place without distractions, so that you make sure you can focus exclusively on them. If you can’t choose the place, Try to find an out-of-the-way corner and that you aren’t having the argument under the eyes of everyone around you.
Sometimes it can be good to tell the other person how you’re feeling. Say something like “I’m sorry, but I find the assertion you made that I’m lazy extremely upsetting. What have I done that makes you believe I’m lazy?” NEVER resort to name-calling or physical violence. These are incredibly harmful and abusive behaviors and there is literally no reason ever to use either of these tactics (the only place violence is allowed is if someone has physical hurt you and you are in fear for your life; get away from them as quickly as possible). You should also avoid treating the other person like an idiot (no matter what you think) by talking down to them, being extremely sarcastic, mimicking what they say, or laughing when they express their concerns.
“At the end of the day. . . " This phrases is basically meaningless, but it has the ability to make your opponent want to punch you in the face. “To play devil’s advocate. . . " People who use this phrase like to think that they’re above things like listening to other people (they pretend to, but really all the want to do is impose their viewpoint [usually the devil’s advocate viewpoint]) on the other person. Either that, or they want to derail the conversation. “Whatever. . . " If you’re trying to have an argument with someone and you or the other person keeps saying “whatever” to the points being made, you aren’t engaging respectfully and need to postpone the argument to another time, or indefinitely.
This is why it’s a good idea to have an idea what you want to say before you say it. This way you can see if there are any holes or fallacies in your argument. If you notice that the person you’re arguing with is using a logical fallacy, point that out. You could say, for example, “You said that 70% of people don’t support gay marriage, but you could have said that about slavery a hundred years ago. Are you sure you want to base your argument on that?”
An example of this would be saying that “all feminists hate men” and then arguing against that instead of addressing the concerns feminists have about equality between the sexes (ignoring the wage gap, gendered violence, research that shows that men tend to dominate discussions). This type of argument derails the conversation so that the other person (or you) is forced to keep explaining that your viewpoint is more complicated than “you never do anything right” to your partner.
An example is comparing Obama (or George W. Bush, or whoever) to Hitler. This basically means saying that someone who is doing something you may not agree with is actually at all similar to someone who orchestrated the most horrific wholesale slaughter of entire groups of people. Unless someone is setting up systematic genocide, don’t compare them to Hitler. If your arguments rely on moral equivalence you should rethink what you’re actually arguing.
For example, if you were arguing with your mother, calling her stupid or crazy, has nothing to do with her arguments and everything to do with her character. These types of attacks will only make the person you’re arguing with even more unlikely to hear your sides of things. If the other person is attacking you in this way, call their attention towards it, or leave the argument (often the people who attack you personally are not going to be open to hearing your side of things).
An example of ad populum: “If you don’t support the Iraq war, you aren’t a true American (you’re a terrorist). " By saying something like this you aren’t discussing the true problem, whether or not the Iraq war was justified, you’re calling into question the patriotism of the dissenters, which is basically useless and means nothing.
For example: Any restrictions on who can buy guns in the U. S. means that the government wants to take away all your rights. The A that happens is some gun restrictions , the Z that happens is that the government takes away everyone’s rights. A will not actually directly lead to Z (there would have to be a huge number of steps taken along the way).
For example: Your new girlfriend hates me, even though I’ve only had one interaction with her. The problem here is that you’ve only met the new girlfriend once. She could have been shy, she could have been having a bad day. You don’t have enough evidence to decide that the new girlfriend hates you.
